When! When?

My feelings are hurt. I thought that by now I would have been out of therapy. Its already been over a month. I know I have to be patient....but I am irritated to be there. I feel better. The good thing is my husband is home and that is a huge comfort.

My Child.

My Child
Where is my child?
Standing alone in the pitts of hell.
Gone to a place that I dont know.
Kidnapped from my soul.
Where is my child?
The one that I hardly remember.
She was snatched from my innocence.
And I never saw her again.
Where is my child?
Lost forever.


written by me.

yaaaaayyyy!!!!!!

By the way my husband is coming home on Sunday. He said he loves me and he needs to be with me right now. Hell be here for 2 weeks but that better than nothing. I am so happy!

My Family

I lost track of the love my family has for me. I have been so caught up on my drama that I isolated my heart from my family. I underestimated the strong bond I have with my blood. I am sorry that I didnt pay attention. Not only did I meet with my cousins last night but the entire family ended up finding out. My mom told an aunt (by the way shes the one that confronted me) and she told all my uncles. Everything that I imagined would happen didnt. Everyone is showing me they love me, they are putting their hearts in their cupped hands and giving it to me. I have been wrong I am inportant, I am valued, and I am loved. My people are standing strong next to me. My little cousin has impressed me with her courage and determination. My Godfather has proved his love to me with his love and patience, as well as his commitment to my healing. He said whatever I want or need I just need to ask (wow!), and my preggo cousin who always hugs my soul with her comforting words and her loyalty. I love you guys more than you can imagine. Iam in love with my family and I feel that the links that hold us together have become stronger. From now on my family are my friends and I will dedicate time to them. We are a real family and no one can break us apart. Not even you Lucifer!!!!!

Why am I so terrified?

So tomorow is an important day. I am having what I can only best describe as a meeting with 3 people that I love and trust very much. I confesed to my Godfather about my child abuse and he is going to help me tell two of my closest cousins. I am Terrified!!! Im not sure if Im anxiouse because of the truth coming out and how this may blow up or if I am ashamed. Either way the meeting has been set and there is no turning back. I just feel comforted knowing that my Godfather will be there supporting me and giving me strength. I feel like I am not alone in this. Unfortunatly this anxiety is causing me to go into rapid cycling. I havent slept in 2 days Im trying to remember to eat and I am trying too carry on like normal. Well see how tomorow goes

Ticking Time Bomb!!!

He knows!!! The devil knows that I am starting to share my truth! I am terrified and my body along with my brain are tremlbling. But I will be brave, it's time to face the music. So Lucifer decided to call me and here is how the conversation went.
Me> Hello
666>Hey, whats up.
Me>What the HELL DO YOU WANT!!???
666>Dont you think we need to talk?
Me>No we dont and leave me and my family alone if you bother me or look for me I will press charges on you and call CPS.
Me>Click(I hung up).

Im mad at myself there was so much more I wanted to say. I wanted to say you ruined my life, you killed my dreams, and took my innocence along with my childhood. And I didnt say any of it. Now it a matter of time before the bomb explodes. Im scared but hell never know. God will give me the strength to endure the pain and embarrasment I will go through.

A Few Facts About Bipolar

-Bipolar is a mood disorder that affects at least one ine every 70 people.
-People with bipolar disorder are at high-risk for physical problems,alcohol,and substance use disorders.
-On average there is an 8 year lapse between a first episode of depression or manic symptoms.
-People with bipolar think of their disorder as a series of life experiences with factors that provoked them.
-Bipolar:poles from high to lows Unipolar: poles only lows
-During a manic episode the person will experience euphoric mood, irritable mood, increase need for sleep, grandiosity,increased talking,racing thoughts,increased energy,changes in thinking and perception,impulsive and reckless behavior, less need for sleep.
-During a depression episode the person will experience loss of interest in things you normally enjoy, loss of appetite, fatigue, trouble sleeping, guilt, feeling bad about oneself, trouble concentrating and making decisions, suicidal ideations.
-People with bipolar disorder get angry at doctors mentioning the possibility of a bipolar diagnosis.
-Anger outburts seem justifiable to the bipolar patient.

Today

I feel good I feel like I am healing. Im actually laughing and having fun

My Dreaded Truth

I am bipolar.

MY Favorite Poem- To my husband

I Carry Your Heart With Me

I carry your heart with me (I carry it in my heart) I am never without it. Anywhere I go you go, my dear; and whatever is done by only me is your doing, my darling. I fear no fate (for you are my fate my sweet) I want no world, for beautiful you are my world,my true. And it's YOU are whatever a moon has always meant and whatever a sun will always sing is YOU.
Here is the deepest secret nobody knows (here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud, and the sky of the sky of a tree called life; which grows higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide). And this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart.

I carry your heart (I carry it in my heart)

E.E Cummings

Courage

It takes love , courage, and self sacrifice to forgive someone. This is why my husband is such an admirable man. He is giving his family another opportunity eventhough I messed up. I love him so much. Thank you God!!! My past is dark but I believe there is light in my future. My angels told me already and I believe them. Thank you.

information

The internet is full of info on bipolar and depression but its overwhelming. So my goal for today is to go to the half book store and find something. I need to figure things out for my assesment on tuesday. On a lighter note I went to the beach yesterday I was forced into it. And I enjoyed it I actually had a good time and felt so happy to see my son happy. The ocean gives you a cleansing feeling, maybe I am just dillusional but being there gave me a couple of hours of peace and I wasnt thinking about anything but just enjoying my time. But the last two nights have been rough. I keep having nightmares that either I rape my son or that a robber comes into my house and is trying to rape my baby. And I wape up feeling horrible. Damn this whole of having to face my demons instead of running away is painful and almost unbearable. When...When is it gonna get better. Dont get me wrong the coping skills I have learned help me A LOT and being in treament is saving me. Its just the process its really hard.

Suicide

Damn that a horrible word. Even saying it is difficult . I tried it once when I was in middle school. I made sure I wore my good underwear (like it would matter) so that my mom wouldnt be so embarrased. I figured Tylenol would do the trick. It was a Tuesday...I picked that day because Mondays they served chicken fried steak and mashed potatoes which was my favorite at school. And tuesday was early enough in the week so my funeral could be on the weekend and no one would have to miss work. I took a shower and put on my blue dickies and homie shirt I thought pajamas would be innapropriate. I broke the plastic seal on the Tylenol bottle it was new my mom got it on sale at Sams it was the value size. I got a glass of coke because I thought water would be less effective and somehow it would cleans the tylenol from my system. And I took the entire bottle of pills. I put on the Shakira (pies descalsos) CD and went to bed. Obviously I woke up with the my stomache burning and my mouth full of chalk. Damn I survived. I didnt get upset but I didnt get happy either I guess you could say I didnt care. Later in life when I was diagnosed with cancer and feared for my life I reflected on my suicide attempt and figuredI was getting what I had asked for but the timing was off. Luckily God really loves me...I mean he really loves me. I recently thought about suicide..but I have too much to live for. And there are a few people in my family that truly love me and would be devastated If I was gone and they would probably never be able to overcome it. Im cant be that selfish but the tought did cross my mind. Luckily my manchild is my hero he is on this Earth to save his momma.

Improving

For some reason I had started to slurr and have a delay in my speech and that is improving. Today my therapist said that she is so happy to see that I am improving. Im actually taking showers and starting to eat again. The only thing I am dealing with is flashbacks and she gave some coping mechanisms to try, If not she will recommend medicine for post traumatic stress. Since I REFUSE to take more meds I will make the coping skills work. I feel ok today which is better that feeling like you want to die. So I am starting to be very optimistic and I love that I am involved in the whole process. Its not like I see a doc and they tell me what to do we all communicate with each other and figure oout my treatment together. Its starting to get easier to accept that I need help. I wonder if I have any loved ones that have my problem I would hate for them to crack and go bonkers like I did. Once I figure out what to do with myself I will start talking more about it. If I am bipolar its genetic so someone else got it. But I need to find a book a good book on bipolar. So I cant drive long distance or be left alone its a rule! I could brake it but I am commited to my therapy so I am following everything to the tee.

My Heart

Bipolar

I see my psych. on tuesdays and thursdays and every session so far bipolar has been brought up. I am in denial but today I gave myself a chance and I listened to what she had to say. My homework for this weekend is to read and study bipolar disorder and together we can decide if that is me. She said bipolar is genetic so she wants me too seriously sit down and think about my relatives and think of my own actions. So I have been thinking....maybe I do show some symptoms. There have been periods in my life were I have been hateful and mean. Then there are periods where I go back to church and I volunteer and I donate. There was a time in my life were I went clubbing monday through saturday, it didnt matter that I would go to work hungover or that I spent all my money it was fun. Then there was a time when I slept. I would work then sleep and on the weekends I slept I would only wake up to eat and pee and I gained 180lbs in that one year. There have been times when I felt I was evil and there were times when I felt I was a victim. What the hell. Am I bipolar. My doctor wants us to make this diagnosis together..but its so hard because I don not want to be bipolar. I am in a lot of pain right now. I just wake up and hurt. I have had surgerys galore but the pain of a broken heart and torn soul is almost unberable. This is so hard..its too painful. My therapist said that if I can endure this then I will be free. Nothing comforts me. But I have let it all out...everything is on the table...and if my husband and my family still love me after this then I know that they will love me through anything.

medicine

I have been prescribed Citalopram for depression and Clorazapam for anxiety I was doing sooo bad. The doctor has increased my Clorazapam and I have noticed a significant improvement. I still feel isolated I dont want to talk or see anyone. And if it werent for my son and my therapy I wouldnt even get out of bed. But I have to get through this I have too and I will.

My SECRET

I have a secret. Who doesnt? But my secret comes with the burden of destroying families and relationships so I keep it inside. My therapist said that if I dont face it and say it then I will never heal. If I say it in therapy then legal action will have to be taken..so I have chosen to say it here in my comfort zone. I was raped..not once ...not twice..but for 8 years. At first I didnt rea alize it was rape but thanks to Oprah Winfrey I realized I was raped. No I was not held down or beat up not even tied up. But It started when I was in the 4th grade I was 10. What adoes a ten year old know about love aned sex????? These years were dark and I even tried to commit suicide. Everyone saw me she me as the black sheep a horrible daughter. But somehow no one bothered to take time out to ask why. In the meanwhile the devil was living and still is living a happy life where everyone thinks he is grandious and wonderful. I dont know if I will ever heal from this and I know that I will never have my childhood back. I also know I am not the
only victim but we are all to chicken shit to face it. We were raised this way and we let the devil live without ant repercussion for what he did. I am too hurt to ever talk about this to anyone in my family I can because I know that the blame will be put on me. Some family memebers already know and have confronted me and blamed me for being a whore (this was when I was 16). And other relatives have no clue and will never know. But I feel that now I have said it or rather typed it and I hope this helps my healing process. I miss my husband so much I wish I could cry to him and hear him tell me its ok I love you. But because of my own stupidity I have no right to that...I have a broken heart.

Broken Heart

My husband carries my heart in his heart. We have been through hard times but the fact that we are stuck together with Gods glue has kept us together. Ironically the one person that has always been there for me, supported me, and loved me....Is the person I betrayed. I cheated on my husband and I confessed it to him. And now our hearts are broken. I made a huge mistake and I take full and total responsibility. To be honest it was a horrible experience all the way around. There was nothing that I gained from it. What resulted from that betrayal was months of gut wretching guilt and pain. You may ask yoourself how I can say that I suffered? Well I did, remember my husband carries my heart in his heart and because of me our heartbeats are not as one. I am devastated at how I always seem to manage to screw up my life. This is by far the worst mistake of my life. I cant take it back but what I can say is that I have definatly learned from this experience and it is something that will never be repeated. My husband has asked me for space which I understand. I cant stop from wondering if in this time he is simmering up a deep rooted hate for me or if he trying to figure out how he can forgive me. I love and admire this man and would be incomplete without me. I have learned through therapy that you shouldnt seek for a partner to complet you. But you cannot undo Gods glue and infact I would be incomplete without my husband. I made a mistake...I made a mistake.

3rd day

How am I feeling? Today that was a question that disturbed me. I feel terrible, I am irritated, and I really dont feel like talking to anyone. The ironic thing is that I seem to be getting worse. It was almost unberable to sit through therapy today. I still have a hard time believing that I "may" be bipolar, I have researched it and its not me. All I know is that I dont feel like myself, I feel pain but I cannot pinpoint where it is coming from. I just want to lay down all day but I dont. I get up and do what needs to be done. Doesnt everyone go through this? Why cant I just SNAP out of it.

2nd day

Today was a big day for me. It was the first time I saw the psychiatrist, this means I actually got diagnosed. And I feel very devastated. My diagnosis is depression,anxiety, and possibly bipolar. This is terrible how can I have these problems. I dont feel sad, I just feel like im sick just physically sick. Accepting my diagnosis is so difficult. I am the one that tells people "get over it, it's not that serious!" And now I am one of them, a weak one. Wow! I dont know If I can do this. But I know that I do need help and I know that it is now or never.

1st day

So I feel very nervouse on my drive to the facility. I can already imaging people sitting in a circle crying and having meltdowns. I can imaging nurses chasing patients who are delirious around the facility, and all the crazy people that will be there. Why am I going? Im not crazy.
I arrive and go into a room. The therapist is sick so someone else is filling in, and ofcourse shes 40 minutes late. No one introduces me to anyone or explains anything to me. People start talking about their last 24 hours and how good or bad they are doing and to be honest I dont give a crap. I dont want to be here. I am not coming back tomorow noooooo way. I feel so lost and hopeless wht am I here? Later the fill in asked me how I am feeling. And I lost it I started yelling and venting. And then nothing it was ok, in fact she was glad that I spoke up. And suddenly I was ok....maybe it was just a bad day for everyone, and so I decided to commit to the program and see what happens.

How it all started.

Hopeless. That is how I am feeling. I am a 27 year old mother. I have always been known for being brave and strong. Friends always looking for my advice and insight. Not even Cancer scared me... I fought it and won. So how is this happening to me?
>Sunday: After laying my son down for a nap I went to my kitchen to make tea. All of sudden my hands started trembling, my vision was impaired, I was having a hard time breathing, and I felt extremely dizzy. I thougt my sugar is low..I mean this is how I have heard it feels like so it must be hypoglycemia. I know I have never had an abnormal glucose reading, maybe I just developed it. Ill put it off for now and mention it to my doctor later.
>Monday:Im sick, I know I am. I feel tired and irritable.
>Tuesday: I really dont feel good but Ill make sure to rest a lot this weekend. Its nothing major anyways.
>Wednesday:still sick. I made an appointment to see my doctor on friday during my lunch break.
>Thursday: During lunch I have a major blow out with my best friend. An hour later IT happens. The "attack" just like Sunday. OMG! Im having a heart attack! I calm down because I notice the symptoms are getting better.
>Friday: Doctors appoinment goes as planned BP normal so we do blodwork and wait to see the results.
>Saturday
>Sunday:starting to feel anguish and irritated.
>Monday: I dont know How I made it through work but I did...whats wrong with me>
>Tuesday: I cant go to work I call in. I just cant be there. Call the doctor bloodwork is all NORMAL. I am handed a paper to go see someone that can help.
Wednesday: First day of partial-hospitalization treatment.