Bipolar

I see my psych. on tuesdays and thursdays and every session so far bipolar has been brought up. I am in denial but today I gave myself a chance and I listened to what she had to say. My homework for this weekend is to read and study bipolar disorder and together we can decide if that is me. She said bipolar is genetic so she wants me too seriously sit down and think about my relatives and think of my own actions. So I have been thinking....maybe I do show some symptoms. There have been periods in my life were I have been hateful and mean. Then there are periods where I go back to church and I volunteer and I donate. There was a time in my life were I went clubbing monday through saturday, it didnt matter that I would go to work hungover or that I spent all my money it was fun. Then there was a time when I slept. I would work then sleep and on the weekends I slept I would only wake up to eat and pee and I gained 180lbs in that one year. There have been times when I felt I was evil and there were times when I felt I was a victim. What the hell. Am I bipolar. My doctor wants us to make this diagnosis together..but its so hard because I don not want to be bipolar. I am in a lot of pain right now. I just wake up and hurt. I have had surgerys galore but the pain of a broken heart and torn soul is almost unberable. This is so hard..its too painful. My therapist said that if I can endure this then I will be free. Nothing comforts me. But I have let it all out...everything is on the table...and if my husband and my family still love me after this then I know that they will love me through anything.